Contemplative

I’ve been in a pretty reflective, self-evaluative mode for several months. There’s been a lot happening in various facets of life lately.

One thing I find myself trying to understand is how I view relationships – friendships in particular; and what the circumstances are that have influenced the evolution of my views on relationships. Is the way I think about things in line with other people or am I just on another planet?

I think about various phases of life and how they have combined to shape my thoughts and feelings today.

One of my earliest memories of actually being aware of what people thought of me was when I was nine years old. It was my first official year in The Glory of Christmas (I was finally old enough!), I played one of Herod’s daughters. There were some guys that played Roman soldiers. Considering that I was nine, I am sure my speculation of their age is quite skewed. They were likely in their early-ish twenties, maybe thirties? I just don’t know. But I recall palling around with these guys. There weren’t a lot of kids in the cast and I was used to hanging out with adults. We seemed to get along just great. But I have not been able to figure out what triggered in my head to suddenly worry that I was a “pest” to these guys. I even remember asking them in some sort of way that if I was bothering them, that I wanted them to let me know. I guess I thought that they probably didn’t want a little kid hanging around with them. I know they reassured me that it was fine, but that memory likes to pop its head up when I find myself evaluating my relationship with someone.

Then I think of when my hormones ignited adolescence. I was pretty boy crazy for a while and I know I didn’t always behave in a way that I can be proud of. Nothing scandalous; just your stereotypical-boy-crazy-teenager – trying too hard to get their attention.

The biggest piece is the ebbs and flows of girly friendships. Some friendships come and go, and some last. Even those that last go through various phases. I know that I have had times where I am pretty obsessive about the relationships in my life. I think about them a lot. How much effort I am putting into the relationship? How much effort are they putting into it? Is it unbalanced? Should I be looking for signs? Do I care too much? Too little? Some relationships I wish could be deeper. Others, I wish they would go away. Which side of the coin am I on? Again, am I the “pest” that someone wishes I would go away?

I wish I didn’t obsess over these thoughts so much. And while I can see it’s been in my nature for a long time, I don’t know why it is there.

I have realized how self-protective I am because of these types of thoughts. In my early twenties I learned to become pretty independent. Girlfriends were getting married and starting families and I could no longer rely on their availability to always do what I wanted to do. So I just learned to be able to experience life without needing to be attached to a buddy. While I think this is great to be able to do, I wonder if I still do this too much. I do not want to become so interdependent with someone so that if they are not around or not available I feel lost or abandoned. I want to be self-sufficient and confident. But I think this can also make me distant.

And now I’m at an age where I feel like the people in my life are pretty well established. I’m not against nurturing new relationships, but I am not seeking them out like I may have for a while. I know that relationships will always take effort, but I guess I am currently trying to understand what level of effort is acceptable, normal and rewarding. At some point, I feel I need to realize that the level of effort may just be a sign to let go.

The people that want to be in my life will be there. They make me feel loved and valued and happy. They want to share life with me as much as I want to share it with them. And that is comforting. I am trying to feel peace and confidence in that comfort.