Vulnerability

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster and it puts me in the position of struggling with what to share on this blog. So I will try to let myself be a least a little bit vulnerable.

We started our first round of Clomid in September. All signs were looking good: I knew I ovulated and the tracking of my temperature was indicating that things were working. Jim and I went on vacation in October and got the happy confirmation that I was indeed pregnant. What a shock to learn that the Clomid worked the first time!!! But then we were tortured with not being able to share the happy news until we returned. We had to tell our parents first and had to do it in person. We had so much fun sharing the news with our family and friends and started thinking about all the things to be done.

Then, unfortunately, on the night of Tuesday October 28 I started to suspect I was miscarrying. I tried calling my doctor on Wednesday but she was unreachable. So we ended up in the emergency room to at least find out what was going on. It was a long four hours which ended in confirmation of the miscarriage at six weeks.

The emotions connected with this have been so overwhelming and I’m still sorting through them. But I am learning a lot about myself and I know I will grow from this. Trying to understand what God’s plan is for my life continues to baffle me, but I will continue to try to understand. Patience has NEVER been a strength of mine, and that tends to bite me in the rear over and over.

But part of why I want to try to share all this is to also just express my thankfulness and gratefulness to all of you who have poured out your love and support to Jim and me. Being on the receiving end like this is a new experience and surprisingly kind of hard. I know that I typically try to gloss over things and put on the front that “All is well.” But I am trying not to do that this time. I am surprised at how much effort it takes for me to let the vulnerability show through. We do really appreciate all the flowers, cards, emails and notes that have been sent our way.

As far as moving forward is concerned… Jim and I saw the OB on Thursday and she seems much more attentive than what we have felt in the past. We kind of feel like because I’m such a complicated case that perhaps she wasn’t really optimistic about my getting pregnant and was just going through the limited motions to appease us. But I think now that she has seen that we can get pregnant, she’s ready to take things more seriously. So we have to wait a couple months before she will prescribe the Clomid again, but next time I get pregnant she will start blood work on me right away instead of waiting to see me at the typical eight week mark. And she echoed what we have been saying that at least we now know that I can get pregnant and that is a step forward.